Her Happiness is My Torture
by Holz9364
Summary: Seeing Beckett happy with Josh kills Castle but the million dollar question is...Is she REALLY happy with Josh? Spoilers for freezer & bomb xD Dont know ep names!


**Her Happiness is My Torture**

_**A/N - Strangely enough the inspiration for this is from my R.M.P.S textbook! I was reading about Utilitarian ethics and read the line 'Who decides what pleasure or happiness is? One person's pleasure might be another person's torture' and it made me think of the Castle/Beckett/Josh scenario so this fic popped into my head!**_

_**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Castle D: I just wish I did! :P**_

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><p>Who decides what pleasure or happiness is? One person's pleasure might be another's torture. That is how it feels right now. She's so happy, but watching her happy is killing me.<p>

It's not killing me that she's happy, no, I want her to be happy, but I can't stand watching her be happy with another man.

When he comes into the precinct to pick her up, when I see them standing smiling and talking, when I see them hugging, my heart breaks just a little bit more.

Before I met her I was a bit of a wild guy, sort of a playboy, but then everything changed. From the day I met her I knew she was different, and when she declined my offer of a date I saw her as a challenge, no one had rejected me before, things like that didn't happen to rich handsome authors.

So I'd set myself a challenge to make her fall in love with me, but in the process I'd fallen in love with her instead, she'd made me fall hard, and for a while I thought we had a chance.

I really thought we had a chance, but then Gina happened and she set us apart, but lately, things had seemed different, all of these near death experiences.

I wanted to tell her so many times, when we were in isolation because of the radiation threat I wanted to tell her that I could be that guy, the guy that would be there for her and she could be there for him. I wanted to tell her that I'd happily dive into anything with her, that I was always going to be there for her, that I loved her, and I opened my mouth to tell her everything when we were told that we were free to go.

And in that freezer, I was sure when she said, "I just want you to know how much I-" and then she fell unconscious, I was sure she was going to tell me that she loved me and when I thought I'd lost her the tears practically froze on my cheeks as I murmured her name, begging her to stay with me.

Then when I woke up alone, I freaked out because I couldn't feel Beckett by my side anymore, and Josh walked in telling me it would be fine, that he was back from Haiti, and then Beckett told me that she and Josh had a chance, my heart dropped and I realised that I must have been mistaken, she hadn't been planning on telling me that she loved me, because she loves Josh.

It was hard after that, to be around her without spilling my heart out, but I tried, and I could tell that she noticed the difference, the tension, but she didn't comment on it and I was grateful for that.

Just after one near death experience another came, the incident with the bomb. I swear to God when I looked at that timer I wanted nothing than to kiss her and tell her I'd loved her since the beginning, but my mouth wouldn't move and my brain knew the words but it wouldn't put them into a sentence. So I grabbed her hand and stared into her eyes, hoping to communicate my feelings just by looking at her, and I thought for a second that she was in love with me too, but as quick as it was there it was gone.

Then I don't know what came over me but I pulled all the fuses out of the bomb and the timer stopped at 00.00 and nothing happened, for a second Beckett and I couldn't move from shock, but when she grinned at me it brought me back to life, I dropped the wires and hugged her tightly, both of us laughing with relief, and it was then I realised that I was completely in love with her, that I needed her to know that, that I couldn't watch her with Josh.

I decided later that day, as we stood in the corridor to tell her how I felt, I was about to ask her if she wanted to go for a drink in the old haunt and I was hoping she would say yes so I could tell her I was in love with her, but before I could get the sentence out I saw Josh walking up behind her, a diamond ring clenched in his hand and a smile on his face.

I backed off, practically running to the elevator, I couldn't watch this, I couldn't watch her agree to marry the man of her dreams, not when I loved her so much.

So I left the building and drove home in a numb state, Alexis and Martha were talking upstairs when I quietly slipped into the kitchen grabbing a bottle of whiskey from the cupboard and taking a large swig from it. Defeated I sat on the couch, wallowing in my misery, Katherine Davidson, it didn't suit her, no, she wasn't meant to be Detective Kate Davidson, she was meant to be Detective Kate Castle, it had a much better ring to it. She was getting married, and how was I supposed to feel about that? I couldn't go into work the next day and act happy and smile for her when I wanted to scream, it would only break me even more. I took another large swig of the whiskey and could now hear Martha and Alexis talking in the kitchen, about me.

"What do you think happened? Do you think something happened to one of the Detectives?" Alexis asked Martha, she was worried.

Martha replied casually, "I'm sure everything is fine, he probably had a tough case."

"Do you think Kate is okay?" Alexis asked, her mind not yet put at ease.

"Oh Kate is fine." I said from the doorway, making both of them jump. They spun around to face me, I took another swig of whiskey and walked into the kitchen, "Kate is so fine! She's happier than she's ever been in her life!" I exclaimed, drinking yet more of the bitter liquid, "She's getting married!" I continued, pacing the kitchen, "She's getting married to a Doctor, oh no he's not just any kind of Doctor, he's a cardiac surgeon!" Between every sentence I swigged from the bottle.

Alexis and Martha were staring at me opened mouthed, neither of them had ever seen me like this.

"Kate is going to become Kate Davidson soon and I'm going to have to sit and watch her get married to Mr. Perfect!" I continued, more aggressively, vaguely noticing that Martha was leaving the room, but not entirely sure why.

Alexis placed her hand on my arm, "Dad, are you okay?" She asked cautiously, and she was right to be cautious because her question caused my anger to explode again, "No I am not okay Alexis! I nearly died twice this week! I nearly froze to death with her and I nearly got blown up standing next to her and all I could think about was how right it felt that if I was going to die at least I was dying with her! And now she's going to make the vow 'till death do us part' to Josh! She shouldn't be marrying Josh! She shouldn't be with Josh!" I shouted, not angry at Alexis, which she knew of course, I wasn't sure what had caused my daughter to start crying really, perhaps she felt bad for me.

I downed half of the bottle of whiskey, making a face at the disgusting taste, "Beckett doesn't even see it! How can't she see it? How can't she tell that it kills me to watch her with that guy? That I'm so in love with her, and what use is that now, the one person I've cared this much about is getting married!" The whiskey was disappearing extremely quickly.

"I thought she felt the same Alexis." I said, my eyes softening as I looked at my daughter, "I thought she was going to tell me that she loved me in that freezer, but it seems she only feels the same way when she's about to die! Every single day she takes my breath away, she makes me smile, she makes me speechless, and I should be the guy who takes her breath away." I sighed, and finished the bottle of whiskey throwing it into the sink and sinking into a bar stool.

"You take my breath away every second of every day Rick Castle." A soft voice said from the door.

My head snapped up and I saw Kate standing in the doorway, Martha was standing next to her, her hand on Kate's shoulder. Kate had tears on her cheeks, and her eyes were wet, for the first time I felt the tears running down my own cheeks.

She walked over to me and placed her hand on my cheek, I looked at her hand, her left hand, her bare left hand, she noticed.

"I said no when Josh asked me to marry him." She admitted, "I said no because it isn't fair to Josh, he shouldn't be the guy I settle for when I love someone else." Her words were so quiet that I doubted Alexis and Martha could hear them.

I stared at her, the whiskey making me more confident than I might have been without it, so I leant forward and closed the gap between us. As I allowed myself to melt into the kiss, I felt more content than I had in a long time.

When I pulled away Kate rested her forehead against mine, her eyes still closed, "I've loved you from the beginning Richard Castle."

I smiled, "I'm glad." I said softly, pulling her into a tight embrace.

As I hugged Kate, I caught site of Alexis, she was grinning and she turned her phone around showing a photo of the kiss between myself and Kate, it was in a message with the text saying 'You owe me $20 a piece guys! xx' and it was addressed to Esposito, Lanie and Ryan.

I smiled at her as she hit send and Martha nodded her approval at me as I pulled away from the hug, "Can I buy you a drink Kate Beckett?" He asked.

Kate grinned, "Why Mr. Castle I thought you'd never ask." She said in a teasing tone of voice, slipping my arm into hers I led her out of the house on route to the old haunt, and now, it seemed that life was finally looking up for me, but I would regret that bottle of whiskey in the morning…

**The End!**


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